he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
you had me at cake vodka
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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