While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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