That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
