it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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