Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
