How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
