Kiss
Puke
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
