Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
