fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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