mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
