Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
