So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
pray to the hookup gods
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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