The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
