my room smells like sperm. sweet.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
