There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
