My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
