i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
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There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
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You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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