I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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