We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
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Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
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We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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