So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
