someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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