Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
