Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
