Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
