You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
