Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
