bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.