drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
