Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
