well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
4 words: hood of his car
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
