If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
