Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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