i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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