My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
