i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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