closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
There r osticjed everywhere
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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