My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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