hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Blood and glitter go together right?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
