I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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