remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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