He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
