I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
