You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
