Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
