Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
