I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
