I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
