I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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