I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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