why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
