umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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