Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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