my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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