On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Randomize
