My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
