What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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