I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
my being single is dangerous.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
i think i just lost a toe
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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