Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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